"The peace that passes understanding...". Have you ever truly experienced the peace that comes from Jesus? My daughter was having some problems with dizziness, headaches, fatigue, etc. I took her in for what I thought was going to be a simple issue...maybe just lack of sleep or even stress. What I came out with was a series of tests that lead to a terrifying possibility that my oldest daughter had a brain tumor. My heart sunk. Everything that seemed to be a huge deal in my life seemed to disappear and the only thing that mattered was figuring out how to get through this life changing diagnosis. My moms times of of telling me, "I would rather it be me." when I was sick as a child finally became clear to me that she was telling the truth all those times. Why couldn't it have been me that was suffering with this? Somehow I felt that what my daughter was going through was my fault for decisions and choices that I had made in my life...she's suffering MY consequences. The most difficult part of the whole thing, outside of the diagnosis and my daughters suffering, was being a strength for my daughter and not letting her see my complete and total terror!
Although prayer has always been an important part of my life, it was never as prevalent as it had become that day. My daughter was on the prayer list of thousands. She was on an international prayer chain, family prayers, friends prayers, co-workers prayers...you name it and my family had them praying for her. On the day of our first pediatric neurology appointment, I was just sick to my stomach. I felt like I was going to fall apart at any given moment. I could tell my daughter was nervous. She's a smart girl, she knew what was going on. The doctor reviewed my daughters MRI with us and indicated the MRI wasn't done with contrast as he had ordered so we had to go through the process again. We lived the whole experience again of waiting, anticipating and finally, we go back in and the doctor indicates he wanted us to see a pediatric oncologist. Oncologist? Just when I thought I couldn't experience anymore terror, I thought wrong. A couple of weeks later, we went to see the oncologist. This is something I never would imagine for myself...but my daughter? My baby? No! The oncologist explained that a small portion of the cyst in my daughters brain was enhanced by the dye. Is this good? Is this bad? I don't know. She explained she wants to watch it along because not only did it absorb some of the dye, it was also an abnormal shape. She confirmed that a cyst that absorbs the dye that's used for enhancements suggests a tumor. Although, she did feel it was a benign tumor. The problem, however, was it was in a location that would make it inoperable. My daughter went to lunch with her dad that day, thankfully. He knew I would not be able to hold it together...he was right. I completely fell apart. Where do we go from here? We have to wait...again. The oncologist wanted to do another MRI in 3 months and we'd see if it changed. 3 months came pretty quickly and we got good news, as it goes in this case. The "tumor" had not grown, it had not absorbed anymore dye and we didn't need to go through any treatment yet. We went back again 3 months later, then 6 mos, then 9 mos and then a year. No changes. The last day we were scheduled to go back, I woke up after such a long time of feeling sick, anxious, nervous...I could not explain the overwhelming peace. I was getting ready to leave and was just praying and praying and I heard God's still, small voice say, "Everything is going to be fine." From that moment on, my fear was gone. We went to see the oncologist and she said everything looked great. No changes. She explained that she doesn't have children of her own, however, if she did, she would not be worried any longer. This was a HUGE relief. Although we have to go back every so often so they can do another MRI, we are all very confident that, as God promised me that day, everything is going to be fine. Looking back, however, showed me that God was working all along to give me strength, to give my daughter peace...He and He alone got us through this. The entire time we were going back and forth for tests and results, my daughter never once saw me fall apart. God always kept me strong when she was around. I was able to be a source of strength for her just as I'd prayed. I was able to encourage her just as I'd prayed. God gave me a huge source of strength through my husband. He cried with me at night. He calmed me during the days. I experienced God's peace that passes all understanding! God became more real to me than any other time in my life...I love Him and I commit my life to Him. I hope you will too. Life is difficult. We need God's peace and direction to get through it. Pray for God's peace in your life, pray for Jesus to live in your heart. You will experience the peace that passes understanding, just as I have. It's what I pray for you! God bless!
